I feel like someone’s fucking whipping boy.  Back off.

Because I have two sad friends, one of them I had to talk out of suicide for the second time.  I hate Colorado’s cold weather.  I biked home and fell on ice roads…TWICE.  And Brandon’s not around. 

Could be worse.  I saw a house going up in smoke going to work.

Yes, I make good decisions in bike stores too…

But I came home so pumped and full of energy!!!

I really wanna party all of a sudden!

I feel like such a pathetic excuse of a friend.  If one can either bother calling me a friend.  I feel like I am not as there as I once was or something.  I haven’t found motivation to do anything recently.  Life is just getting in the way.  It shouldn’t do that.  Because one day, life may prevent me from  being where I NEED to be.

I mean…if I come home and talk saying hope you’re night is awesome….and it isn’t.  I mean……well the story is more complex than that, but I won’t go into it.  The point is…I don’t feel like I could be as good a friend as I could…

Yesterday, me and another friend, may or may not have talked a friend out of suicide.  He just kinda entered the room, said he had a 9 mm, and said he was ready to be “one with the universe”.  And he disappeared for about 5 minutes, and I was about to have a broken heart.  I mean once he said he was still there, I freaked.  Like, big time.  I was close.  Close to failing.  I don’t want to fail.  I don’t want to lose a friend because I’m not there. 

I could be jumping the hedge, but I could not be again.  I hope I am there…I want to be…..and need to  be…

Got bored.  So I decided to sing.  Listen at own risk.  My sitting at compuuter singing Black Sabbath’s Heaven and Hell.  No fancy recording.  Old school.  I’m not good.  Sue me.  Enjoy me being weird.

Drew this yesterday at work. 

We take a lot of things in life for granted. We all are so attached to our friends. What forms attachment? The fact that you’ve known them for God knows how long. The fact that you have woken up so many times and have called them, and they have answered, and later you have gone out for a beer or something. We take them for granted. They’re there. We expect them to be there. And the worst is never expected.
Until the worst happens.
A flood wipes out their town.  They’re in the military, in Afghanistan, and a renegade group of terrorists attacks his squad.  he’s in the wrong place at the wrong time…
A friend’s father of a friend I know just lost his life.  I don’t know the story, I just know that there was rumors of a man killed in his area, and the father had not checked in.  Well the news finally came.  What more can I say or do?
I couldn’t do anything to begin with, but it once again shows me just how fragile life is.  One projectile in your chest jeopardizes your life.  4 pints of that red fluid out of your body, is fatal.  You cannot survive more than 3 minutes without oxygen.
It’s a real pity that a lot of what we know is as taken for granted as it is.  It never happened in the past, why should it happen now?  None of my friends have had a gun pointed at their face, why would it happen now?
This past Christmas Eve I thanked a lot of my friends for simply being a part of my life.  Just in the case that God forbid if they died, or I died, we would all know just how much we mean to each other.  I did the same on New Years Eve.  Hell, I want to do it everyday, but unfortunately, that is considered overkill.  But it’s just to show them, that they mean a lot.  No matter what happens.  No matter if there’s a fight between us, a disagreement, they mean so much to me.
I listened to an Anthrax song today entitled “In the End”.  It’s partially a tribute song to two late Metal musicians, “Dimebag” Darrell Abbot, guitarist for Pantera, and vocalist Ronnie James Dio.  It’s a beautiful song, and in the song, there’s lyrical content that says the following:
“Did I thank you for our time together
Did I thank you for making me better
Did I thank you for being the one I would bleed and kill for
Did I thank you for tearing my head off, ripping my heart out, fucking my world?
Did we tell you how much that we loved you
Did we tell you you made our dreams come true
Did we tell you that you were the one, paving the way, the damage is done
Did we thank you for tearing our heads off, ripping our hearts out, fucking our world?”
Now the last parts involving ripping heads off, tearing hearts out, fucking worlds, well that’s probably implied to be good, as in the Metal community, this can be considered very good.  like “Wow, the way’s he’s playing that guitar, man he is kicking my ass, and I am loving it!”
Ronnie James Dio died in 2010 due to cancer.  I guess he didn’t treat his body the way he probably should have treated it.  At least that’s the message I get from his surviving son.  But still he died way too young to me.  My guess is some people were somewhat braced for his death…not so much the case for Darrell.
Dimebag Darrell was shot and killed onstage in 2004.  In front of his brother.  His last words before going out onstage with his brother, for just another Damageplan performance, were “Van Halen!”  Just another performance.  And some psycho had managed to bring a gun into the building.  And just like that, the world lost a wonderful guitarist, and an even better friend to so many people.
The song was written and that lyrical area mentioned above makes me think…”You know….I have a friend who is going to Afghanistan.  We talk through text every now and then, but we never really did until the recent times.”  I want to talk with him more.  Because, shit happens to everyone…the next renegade group of terrorists could go for him…and I’ve known him since birth.  He is the closest thing I have to a brother.  And if I could be with him now, I would give my all to be with him.
I pray for his safety.  Sometimes it really works.  Simply praying.  I pray for his safe return, in an already ridiculous enough war (Afghanistan’s war is understandable…but it seems almost like a lost cause to me…though that could just be me now…).  I wish prayer as enough to simply put an end to all this meaningless killing.  Whether it be in war, or out on the streets.  But sadly, I know it’s not.  But, I still hold to redemption.  Redemption in the mindset, that one can ask himself why he is about to gun down a man he barely knows over a couple dollars.  Redemption in the mindset that all the world’s leaders can indeed one day meet and sign papers vowing never to fight again.
Until then, all I can do is pray or my friends safety, and let them know just how much they mean to me.  I hope you all know this.  Each one of you…….you all mean so much to me.  And even if you don’t see it, others see this through you as well…

Feeling much better after a nasty bug entered my system a couple days ago (I will never eat stadium pizza pie ever again).  Was feeling iffy all day that I missed out on work, and decided to draw up Layne and Autumn’s children which I posted last night.

Now my life can go back to normal hopefully.  I feel a bit of motivation to draw again for Layne (though I only have 2 messages to respond to……)

Who knows.  I’m just glad to be feeling better I guess.